pink champayne soda

butterfly

Today is just one of those normal days.
Wake up. Shower. Realise that had I really wanted to get to class on time or at all I ought to have woken up earlier.
Actually, I did wake up. I just couldn't move.

Then after my one and only class which accomplished almost nothing, Sean-sama and I had agreed to catch the Shuttle BUs to Gore Hill so that we could go visit Yahn. I had sat there waiting for him in Concourse. And he walked straight past me.

Oh dear, I think, I may as well not be there. Some things are just not worth doing when I'm feeling sensitive. And since S-sama says he tends to agree with me, then yeah we'll visit yahn each in our own time. He need not let me know. Because in all honesty, it bothers me because whenever I see them, I remember an accumulation of things they have said about eachother. Particularly what Yahn has said. I always trust what she tells me in-confidence. The lividity towards T has been reduced to utter detachment. Why should I recognise that he exists? And S-sama, I've always been aware I ought not love him. How? you ask. S-sama said so himself desu.

And in truth, it becomes that I have nothing to say to either of them.

Although I know them, I feel it has reached that point that I can not know them well, so many things are embargoed or confined to limited concerns. It doesn't help that they know me for what I am, because then I can't hide it from them. Isn't that so selfish? I apologise profusely.

And the only problem is not that I think all this - but that there is no reason for me to think otherwise... and actually, for a very long time I feel I have known. I just never declared it to myself.

Thus, yes, I'm so full of crap.
I even stood in the corridor so they could freely think and speak of miscellaneous things. It is quite different to my supportive conversations. To this day, there are so many things that i can't fathom. The whys, the hows.. but I know I would not have done anything differently. My support, my friendship .. it would be handed out in its maximum capacity, but somehow regardless of whether it was received or disregarded or merely there as a convenient aid, I regret that it all seemed to have no bearing. And somehow, here we are..

So now, I can still give those things at 100%, but I'm ashamed and guilted because it is my capacity that has weakened, and for this reason it makes me feel almost so dishonest. Consider it to be like donating blood; fully supporting, we expect and are donated perhaps a Litre. I would give it all, except my iron count is too low for my blood to be useful. So to harbour these feelings, it's almost like cheating.. yes yes roll eyes

But my brother saw us at the hospital and it's true. My brother is such a funny and friendly person. My brother doesn't baulk at all when I say I want the car keys either. See? Let that be an example to you all. There is nothing wrong with driving over curbs or corners or roundabouts.

Anyhow, I had to go walk around the library. Luckily, it wasn't a tough crowd today.
There were some quaint students but many of the odd things they do deflected off me. There was one student who had difficulty understanding me and kept trying to log-in when she clearly could not. I'm proud to say I was patient and very unreactive, I mean, if the girl wants to keep trying, let her (even though I told her it doesn't appear to be working for over 20 minutes much too the annoyance of those around her). All politeness.

Oh. S-sama gave me a heavy magazine to give to Jim - (Jim, I think this means you owe me) - who seemed to have been rallied into a really pleasant weekend according to his bubbly blog, but really he was only sighing and somewhat complaining on the phone. (At least you were *home*.. I was only just on my way from Uni..) Really, I'm beginning to think you just want the sympathy.. and all I ever get is support for quitting.. but it should be known by now, I don't consider quitting as a viable option.

But it's here. The plainest denominator of my thoughts and I blinking off to sleep immediately before I realise what I'm saying.

P.s I need suggestions of what to buy Wendy

posted by juice @ 9:38 PM